If you have to question if it is actually love you are feeling, is it?

There's this boy... and we have been hanging out a lot. He's great. Everything about him is awsome. The only thing, I honestly think I'm in love with him. Problem, he's definetely not. Were great friends, and our relationship has been completely just friends, no talk or idea of anything more. The horrible thing is I have started having feelings for him. Now I'm always questioning if I want to spend time with him for the sake of spending time, or sub consciously thinking that maybe there will be something more. I get jealous when he talks to other girls, and I talk about him lots without even trying to. I'm sure other people are catching on, and I really don't want that because I know that he doesn't feel the same way.

It's not fair to him, and i want to be honest. I can't do it though. We work together, well for a little while longer. And he's young, like 5 years younger than me. I know at the end of the day what the answer should be. It just sucks when everything around screams no, but my heart keeps saying yes.

This song says it all perfectly...

I'm so scared that the way I feel,
Is written all over my face
When you walk into the room,
I wanna find a hiding place.
We used to laugh, we used to hug, the way that old friends do.
But now, a smile and a touch of your hand,
Just makes me come unglued.
Such a contridiction, do I lie or tell the truth.
Is it fact or fiction,
Oh the way I feel for you.

So complicated, I'm so frustrated.
I wanna hold you close, I wanna push you away,
I wanna make you go, I wanna make you stay.
Should I say it.
Should I tell you how I feel.
Oh, I want you to know.
But then again I don't. It's so complicated.

Oh..just when I think I'm under control.
I think I finally got a grip.
Another friend tells me that my name is always on your lips.
They say I'm more than just a friend, they say I must be blind.
Well, I admit that I've seen you watch me from the corner of your eye.
Oh, It's so confusing. I wish you'd just confess.
But think of what I'd
be losin', if your answer wasn't yes.

So complicated I'm so frustrated,
I wanna hold you close, I wanna push you away,
I wanna make you go, I wanna make you stay.
Should I say it, should I tell you how I feel.
Oh I want you to know, but then again I don't, It's so complicated.

Oh, I hate it. 'Cuz I've waited.
So long for someone like you
Oh, what do I do.
Oh should I say it.
Should I tell you how I feel.
I want you to know,but then again I don't.
It's so complicated..
It's so complicated..
It's so complicated.
Ohh..

2010: In The Beginning
1. Where did you go on New Years?: Warren's in FSJ
2. Who were you with?: Erin, Bailey, Warren, his friend Mike and 2 others, and Erin's cousin Amber
3. Did you make any resolutions?: I wanted to make this year the year of positive changes...

2010: All about YOU
1. Did you change at all this year?: Everyone changes all the time. I moved out of my parents house, in a house with my cousins. I've learned that you can't trust anyone, not even yourself sometimes. I made a choice that really made me think about who I am and learned a lot about myself in the process
2. Did you dye your hair?: Ya
3. Did you get your hair cut?: No
4. Did you change your style?: No
5. Were you in school? Nope.
6. Did you get good grades?: NA
7. Did you have a job?: Yup
8. Did you drive? Yes
9. Did anyone close to you give birth?: No
10. Did you move at all? Yes
11. Did you go on any vacations?: Went on a girls trip to Mexico in March
12. Did you leave the country at all?: Yup

2010: Your Love Life
1. Did you break up with anyone?: No
2. Did you meet anyone special?: Yes. We met in 2009, but I didn't realize he was special until recently.

2010: Friends and Enemies
1. Did you meet any new friends this year? Yes
2. Did any of your friendships end? :Not really
3. Did you dislike anyone?: Yes
4. Did you make any new enemies?: Yes :( bad decisions always have consequences.
5. Did you resolve any fights?: No
6. Who was your closest friends?: Erin, Mike, my Mom, Amber
7. Did you grow apart from anyone?: Ya
8. Did you have any regrets when it comes to your friendships?: Yes. I wish I could be a better friend

2010: Have you
1. Had any relationships this year? Relations, no relationships
2. Had your birthday yet? No
3. Kissed two or more people in the same night? No.
4. Been on a diet? Story of my life
6. Drank Starbucks? Yes
8. Bought something(s)? Tons of shit.
9. Met someone special who changed your life?  No

Random

1. What are you thinking about? That I need to make some changes

2. Does your ex hate you? I don't think so.

4. Would you get married if you could right now? If I met the right person, in a heartbeat.
 
5. How did you feel when you woke up today? Hungover and tired

6. Your ex shows up at your door what do you do? Wonder why

7. Are you good at hiding your feelings? Ya

8.Could you ever be friends with someone that broke your heart? Depends on the person and how bad they hurt me.

9. If you could change your eye color would you? No

11. Have you ever had a really big fight with a best friend? In high school.Pretty much the only fight we've ever had.

12. Do you like to have long hair or short hair? Both.

13. Are you over the age of 25? Thank god no.

14. Would you be able to tell someone you love them, even if you didn't feel it? Ya

16. Do you want to get married & have children one day? The only thing I want

17. Which of your friends do you argue with the most? Mike

18. Have you kissed anyone in the last 4 hours? No

19. How many texts are in your inbox? Lot's

20. Has someone of the opposite sex ever told you they loved you? Ya

21. Who was your last text message from? Mike

22. Have you ever kissed anyone named Mike? Not that I remember

23. Who was the last person you rode in a car with? Mike

24. When was the last time you cried really, really hard?: I don't even know. It's been awhile. I think I need it.

25. Who took your profile picture? Handy Manny

26. Would you rather smile over a lie or cry over the truth? Smile over a lie.

27. What’s on your bedroom floor right now? Everything.. I need to finish unpacking

28. Do you trust people too easily? Not anymore.

29. Are you satisfied with what you currently have in life? No

30. Have you ever cut class? Yes

31. Have you ever liked someone a lot older than you? Yup.

32.If you had a baby with the last person you texted, what would the last name be? Hoban

33. Last thing you ate? Pizza

34. How many people are you texting? 0

35. Will you be in bed within twenty minutes? I am in bed

36. What is the last non-alcoholic beverage you had? Fuze

37. Could you ever forgive a cheater? I forgive easily. And cheating is so common. So yes.

38. Do you hate the last guy you had a conversation with? No

39. Is there a guy that knows everything or almost everything about you? Jeremy learned a lot for me back when we were close

41. Have you ever made out in a public bathroom? No

42. Have you told anybody you loved them today? Nope.

43. Do you make every decision as if your parents are watching? Not every decision, the big ones though

45. Do you like to run? no

46. Is there anyone that you care more about than yourself? My family, Tucker

47. Do you put candy canes on your Christmas tree? Yup

48. Do you get snow where you live? Sure do

49. Do you believe in love? I want to.

50. Why did your LAST relationship fail? ?

51. This year have you ever been heartbroken? I'm always heartbroken

52. Are you afraid of commitment? I am scared of what I don't know.

2009: In The Beginning
1. Where did you go on New Years?: Jamie's
2. Who were you with?: Jamie, Sara, Ken & his wife
3. Did you make any resolutions?: Nope

2009: All about YOU
1. Did you change at all this year?: Yep. After 3 years of being inseperable with my best friend, I was by myself. I had to re-learn who I am. I still don't know.
2. Did you dye your hair?: Sure did. Went really dark in February, blonde again in September, and funky in November
3. Did you get your hair cut?: Yep.Then i missed it and have been working very hard at growing it all back.
4. Did you change your style?: I dont think so.
5. Were you in school? Nope.
6. Did you get good grades?: NA
7. Did you have a job?: Yup
8. Did you drive?: Yup
9. Did anyone close to you give birth?: Nobody overly close to me
10. Did you move at all?: Rooms a couple times
11. Did you go on any vacations?: Sure did. In March to Arizona, and in August to Vancouver
12. Did you leave the country at all?: Yup

2009: Your Love Life
1. Did you break up with anyone?: No
2. Did you meet anyone special?: No :'(

2009: Friends and Enemies
1. Did you meet any new friends this year? Yes
2. Did any of your friendships end? :Not really. Grew apart from a lot of people. And I will admit it is mostly my fault
3. Did you dislike anyone?: No I don't think so
4. Did you make any new enemies?: Probably
5. Did you resolve any fights?: No
6. Who was your closest friends?: Erin, Amber, Victoria
7. Did you grow apart from anyone?: So many people. Randi, Orry, Amy, Katie,Joel, Curtis, Kevin, Ryan, Corey, Jeremy.
8. Did you have any regrets when it comes to your friendships?: Yes. I wish I could be a better friend

2009: Have you
1. Had any relationships this year? No
2. Had your birthday yet? Yeah
3. Kissed two or more people in the same night? No.
4. Been on a diet? Story of my life
6. Drank Starbucks? Yes
8. Bought something(s)? Tons of shit.
9. Met someone special who changed your life?  No

Random

1. What are you thinking about? How pathetic this survey makes me out to be.

2. Does your ex hate you? I don't know. Maybe.

4. Would you get married if you could right now? If I met the right person, in a heartbeat.
 
5. How did you feel when you woke up today? Good

6. Your ex shows up at your door what do you do? Wonder why

7. Are you good at hiding your feelings? Ya

8.Could you ever be friends with someone that broke your heart? Depends on the person and how bad they hurt me.

9. If you could change your eye color would you? Not permanently

11. Have you ever had a really big fight with a best friend? In high school.Pretty much the only fight we've ever had.

12. Do you like to have long hair or short hair? Both.

13. Are you over the age of 25? Thank god no.

14. Would you be able to tell someone you love them, even if you didn't feel it? Ya

16. Do you want to get married & have children one day? The only thing I want

17. Which of your friends do you argue with the most? Nobody really.

18. Have you kissed anyone in the last 4 hours? I wish :(

19. How many texts are in your inbox? It's a Blackberry, too hard to tell

20. Has someone of the opposite sex ever told you they loved you? Does family count?

21. Who was your last text message from? Ryan

22. Have you ever kissed anyone named Mike? Probably

23. Who was the last person you rode in a car with? My Grandma :)

24. When was the last time you cried really, really hard?: I don't even know. It's been awhile. I think I need it.

25. Who took your profile picture? Me

26. Would you rather smile over a lie or cry over the truth? Smile over a lie

27. What’s on your bedroom floor right now? Random crap. Garbage bags of clothes, Danny and April's Christmas presents

28. Do you trust people too easily? Not at all

29. Are you satisfied with what you currently have in life? Some things. I want the bigger picture though.

30. Have you ever cut class? Yes

31. Have you ever liked someone a lot older than you? Yup.

32.If you had a baby with the last person you texted, what would the last name be: I would NEVER have a baby with my brother! EWWWW

33. Last thing you ate? McFlurry

34. How many people are you texting? 1

35. Will you be in bed within twenty minutes? I wish, Night Audit. 2.5 Hours left.

36. What is the last non-alcoholic beverage you had? XL Double Double

37. Could you ever forgive a cheater? I forgive easily. And cheating is so common.

38. Do you hate the last guy you had a conversation with? No

39. Is there a guy that knows everything or almost everything about you? No

41. Have you ever made out in a public bathroom? Ew.

42. Have you told anybody you loved them today? Nope.

43. Do you make every decision as if your parents are watching? lol sadly, Sometimes I do

44. Have you ever gotten the butterflies? Yesss

45. Do you like to run? no

46. Is there anyone that you care more about than yourself? My family, Tucker

47. Do you put candy canes on your Christmas tree? Yup

48. Do you get snow where you live? Sure do

49. Do you believe in love? I don't know.

50. Why did your LAST relationship fail? Distance

51. This year have you ever been heartbroken? I've been heartbroken all year.

52. Are you afraid of commitment? Not at all.

I
1. What time did you get up this morning? 10:40

2. How do you like your steak? Medium well

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? My Sister's Keeper

4. What is your favorite TV show? One Tree Hill

5. If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be? Anywhere that i'm  happy.

6. What did you have for breakfast? Nothing

7. What is your favorite cuisine? Mexican

8. What foods do you dislike? Mushrooms, white milk

9. Favorite Place to Eat? Home

10. Favorite dressing? Ranch

11. What kind of vehicle do you drive? 2009 Toyota Corolla

12. What are your favorite clothes?Jeans and hoodie

13. Where would you visit if you had the chance? Ireland, Australia, Egypt, France, Italy.... everywhere

14. Cup 1/2 empty or 1/2 full? Either way fill it up!

15. Where would you want to retire? On a little quiet farm with my loved ones and animals.

16. Favorite time of day? Morning

17. Where were you born? Grande Prairie

18. What is your favorite sport to watch? Hockey

19. Who do you think will not tag you back? N/A

20. Person you expect to tag you back first? N/A

21. Who are you most curious about their responses to this? N/A

22. Bird watcher? Hellz no creepy ass birds

23. Are you a morning person or a night person? Morning

24. Do you have any pets? My Tucker

25. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share? Nothing is exciting in my life.

26. What did you want to be when you were little? Lawyer

27. What is your best childhood memory? Summer's in medicine Hat

28. Are you a cat or dog person? both

29. Are you married? I wish

30. Always wear your seat belt? Yes

31. Been in a car accident? yeah rearr ended
 
32. Any pet peeves? Lots. Stupid drivers, stupid people, people that call 10 times a day and hang up

33. Favorite Pizza Toppings? Hawaiian

34. Favorite Flower? White Lily

35. Favorite ice cream? Bubblegum yum!

36. Favorite fast food restaurant? KFC

37. How many times did you fail your driver's test? 1

38. From whom did you get your last email? plentyoffish

39. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card? it's already maxxed, to late for that

40. Do anything spontaneous lately? not excitingly spontaneous

41. Like your job? without the bullshit that goes with it

42. Broccoli? yum

43. What was your favorite vacation? vancouver 2009

44. Last person you went out to dinner with? my mom
 
45. What are you listening to right now? Nothing

46. What is your favorite color? purple

47. How many tattoos do you have? 2

48. How many are you tagging for this quiz? N/A

49. What time did you finish this quiz? 10:51 pm

50. Coffee Drinker? Chronic!

Things have been pretty boring lately. So short staffed so i've been working lots. The great thing about working lots is I met a great guy there. He was staying at the hotel for a couple weeks, and a couple days before he left we went out for drinks. He kept telling me how he's liked me for awhile and stuff. He spent the next night at my place and then had to leave the next day. That's what sucks with hotel guys cause the always end up leaving. We've been talking still since, he calls and texts all the time. I just wish he were closer.......

So I decided bug boy is a loser. lol I dunno... there's just no way. What was I thinking. He finally got the hint I think.

Amber is moving to Vancouver in January. Crazy... I realy don't think it's sunk in yet I dunno what i'm gonna do with her gone....

Jeremy and Corey moved away and me and Jeremy had a talk.. things are good between us now I think. I think Corey's moving back to GP which is great... it's been weird without him around.

Ben got fired. The most depressing thing ever. I can't believe this company.. they have no idea how to run a hotel. Grrr. I had to fire a girl today and I cried for the first time. Stupid. Works been depressing. We got a new GM... I don't know what to think.

Ryan's been back in town a couple times.... I dunno I think i'm over it. I'm just wasting my time waiting for him. He really isn't into me.

I went to Erin's for a bbq the other day with his dad and his biker friends. Most amusing bbq in awhile. lol. The things they talk about... Bailey was kinda acting different again. Then her dad starts talking about best friends and stuff and were like "i don't understand how a girl could ever do that to her best friend." right... aqward. The sad thing is I would probably hook  up with them if I had the chance. I'm a horrible friend what the fuck.